I think I will use this blog for smashsing realisations, that make me stare at the sky in wonder, and get one of those "Yes, it all makes sense!" moods. I had one yesterday, or was it the day before? Past never changes. It can't ever change, I can't make myself be from a better past. I know it shouldn't matter, that it's the present that counts, but i've always known that the past counts for something, because it really does make you who you are today. And no matter how crap it was, you should always be grateful because you're usually stronger for it. But, I just felt overwhelming regret. My boyfriend Joe was not a very nice gentleman to me in the first year of our relationship. He was essentially cold. He let me cry all night, he refused to take me home if it was late and let me walk, sometimes at 2AM in freezing cold weather. He was rarely affectionate and certainly never in public. It took him a long long time to even put our relationship up on facebook. (Yes, I know it's ONLY facebook, but in a strong social circle, such as ours, it really did invite questions why, after three or four months we were still not official, I think even, for the first month he remained single on facebook!) He never wanted to go out anywhere, cinema, pubs, restaurants... nada. When I think back to it, I remember a lot a LOT of sleepless, unhappy nights listening to him gently snore next to me. I know, I wasn't an easy girl to go out with, I was a little needy, and extremely emotional and neurotic. And his behaviour would only add to the mount of it. I don't recall ever having such low self esteem in my entire adult life, as I did in 2008-2009, and it was all down to Joe.
Yesterday, or was it the day before? a friend let slip about one evening they had spent in that time, when he and some other male mates went out to, what wasn't exactly a strip club or anything like that, but it does have ladies dancing on the bar. I felt the familiar heart crush of being rejected, lied to and cast off. I should explain, another cause of anguish in our first year, was due to the fact that, because I was going out with a friend in our social group, I was no longer invited to events, or even part of the group. I was left out of things, and Joe was too, a little, but if he was invited he would always go, out with our friends, without me. And I was upset because he didn't think to bring me along, upset because, they had left me out, and upset because, the whole thing was happening and I wasn't dating someone who gave a shit about it. He was only thinking of himself, and his own social status. So this was new, old information about a time when, not only was he out with the male protion of our friends, but he was out at a bar, where he knew i'd have felt hurt of his being there, and that he probably lied to me about going out at all, whenever it was. It was just a refresh on the hurt, all the hurt I suffered in the first year. And the regret that I couldn't just stand up for myself.
I have been reading this book by Paul Ekman, called "Revealing emotions", it's REALLY helped me think about situations before they occur, and has helped me walk away from situations where my emotions would only make it worse. Then I can calm down, let my impulse emotions chill out, and react on pure information. When the friend let it slip, I just got into my car and drove home, sobbing. I sobbed again when I got home, and calmed myself down. I thought, 'fuck, there's no way to escape this, there's no way to undo the hurt he caused, although it would be nice if he even tried to a little bit. But there is no way to forget and disregard the awful beginning of this now 3 year relationship.' and that was the smashing realisation.
Joe and I are much better now. I became less needy, he became... ... more in love with me. He's still selfish and self involved, he does always come first, and he doesn't really do things FOR me, or with me in mind, but his love for me, makes him not want to hurt me so much anymore. I'm making it sound dreadful, but it really isn't. I adore him, and he adores me. And we have an excellent and sucessfully balanced relationship now.
There's a phrase that comes to mind. "Forgiveness is abandoning all hope of a better past." Perhaps, I am a long way to forgiving him, if i'm still able to be hurt by new old information. Hey ho.
